South Asian Women are taught to take on a man's emotional burden

As a child, I never noticed anything out of the ordinary when it came to the relationship I shared with my mother. As I grew older, I became aware of the differences between my brothers and myself — that the words 'son' and 'daughter' had very different meanings.

South Asian mother and daughter relationships can be difficult and some can be a whole other ballgame.

During my early teenage years, the realisation began with small things - being reprimanded for not doing things like washing dishes or learning how to wash clothes. I would hear my mother's complaints when she would clean my belongings, but she would happily do the same tasks for my (older) brothers.

Then came the hierarchy of serving dinner; first my father, brothers, then the rest of us daughters.

Although these were little things, they persisted and were enough to make me feel a difference in parental treatment. I generally felt I was treated moderately equal by my mother for most of my teenage years.

It hit me when I was a little bit older, nearing adulthood and on the cusp of beginning university. The mollycoddling of boys turned into the mollycoddling of men. When life became difficult, my mother began repeating her concerns to my sister and myself, rather than my brothers. Make no mistake, this wasn't a case of her being more comfortable with talking to us than them — it was about not wanting to burden them with emotional stress. It was about us daughters, taking on our share of our mother's woes, something that we were apparently naturally inclined to do.

The mollycoddling extended from the physical into the mental, straining our mental health to protect the sanity of the men in the house. This rings true for most women in my extended family. To this day, I see the ways they go above and beyond to make sure their sons have every comfort.

Their behaviour is dominated by an overbearing need to cater to every aspect of their sons' lives. Their behaviour is also dominated by an overbearing need to control every aspect of their daughters' lives.

Don't get me wrong, South Asian mothers make sacrifices for their daughters too and I am not trying to take away from their abundance of love for us. But sometimes, South Asian women become so used to catering to the needs of men in the family, they forget about themselves and the women around them.

It can lead to isolation, and make daughters feel as if they're of secondary importance in the household - therefore a secondary importance in the outside world. She becomes used to her mother taking on a 'caretaker' role and assumes that it is her duty to care for everyone but herself. Whether it is young women entering arranged marriages or heterosexual relationships hidden from parents, the toxicity of putting the needs of men before your own, can rear its ugly head.

This is particularly dangerous for women that may get into complicated relationships with men that have addictions, insecurities, or those who show signs of abuse. In mirroring this behaviour, women in these situations will begin to feel discontent, unaware of their own needs and co-dependent.

How are South Asian women supposed to look after their own mental health in these situations, when for most of their lives they have been witness to patterns of male dependence?

The mollycoddling of sons, isn't a sign of motherly love, but proof that her dependence on men transcends through time.

Usually, when South Asian mothers are disappointed by their daughters being 'shameful' by having relationships outside of marriage, they blame the corruption of Western countries. They should look closer to home. When young women are willing to risk everything for a single relationship, South Asian mothers should remember the ways in which they isolated their daughters in prioritising the needs of their sons. Weren't you willing to risk the relationship you shared with your daughter, when you were too busy mollycoddling your son, depriving your daughter of your love and affection? 

The key is to love your daughters to the point where they don't need to depend on another human being for their internal happiness. Just as you've taught your sons.

For the sake of their mental health and the decisions they make, please treat your daughters equally.

Read more of Pooja’s work here.