I came out publicly in an article about two months ago, and since then I've had a few thoughts on what being bisexual means to me. I feel like I'm tired of talking about my bisexuality but that usually means I need to talk about it more. The reason I say 'came out publicly' is I've always known I've been sexually attracted to women and I've had sexual experiences with them, but I needed to be able to act on it publicly and the way I could allow myself that was to say it out loud. When I did, I really heard myself.
I've been in heterosexual relationships my whole life - they're wonderful people (bar one dickhead). But I found myself looking for answers in relationships; answers to questions around loneliness and death - having to be with someone as I got older and died.
Women are taught to believe the can't exist successfully without the presence of a male body to guide them, but I noticed that I loved women and allowed men.
Not long after coming out, I saw an article written by Stephanie Beatriz that made me cry. She talked about how marrying a man makes her less queer. One line that stood out to me was:
It hit me. Do I have to get in a relationship with a woman now? Do I have to prove myself? Is everyone waiting for me to be with a woman and until then I'm not actually bisexual? I was immersed in the QPOC community and I felt like a 'newbie' - someone who had just jumped into the parade and started yelling "look at me!!".
I saw a beautiful girl and instantly threw my heart at her. My mind was clouded by a simple emptiness of 'not knowing' but my heart was expanding and I needed to do something with it. I wasn't sure whether I actually wanted her but I convinced myself I did and after a month or so of obsessing, it became clear that what I felt was an overwhelming need to prove myself. I threw my heart at the mercy of an unwitting friend because I thought I had to. My heart has since recovered and sits in me - still bulging, still confused about where to direct itself, but back inside my body. My body missed it's rhythm and it's this beat that's now helping me move around my thoughts, step by careful step.
I can't compromise my sensitivity to comfort others about my sexuality, so I refuse to make any more declarations until I've recovered my mind. It's played a game on my mental health - I had anxiety over Pride weekend and found myself needing to cry, yet unable to. I found comfort in friends and creating bonds but my mind still wasn't ready to commit to them.
I'm questioning whether I can fall in love with a man anymore.
I know I have, I think I can, but I've never had to question it until now. Is it because I still think I need to prove myself? Is it because I've spent my energy thinking about women and I forgot what falling for a men means to me? What will my family say or do if I'm with a woman instead of a man? Will the reality of my bisexuality mean they act out? It won't stop me, but it will hurt me. So, I'm taking a step away from romance and sex. I want to stop giving pieces of my body to people because I'm losing it all. I want to collect it all up and embrace it. I need to remember what I feel like again.
When I remember myself, I can share parts of my body with others, but until then, I have nothing to prove.